We can put it to rest: I’m not hot and that’s ok

Last night my wife and I were talking and the subject of my attractiveness came up. I casually asked by not asking if she thought of me as hot and her response knocked the wind right out of my sails

“No, I don’t think of you as hot, I don’t really judge men that way, I’m attracted to you but you’re not hot.”

Boy did that hurt, there is an old adage about not asking questions if you don’t want the answer, and of course I did not zero in on what my wife was actually saying because all I heard were the words “you’re not hot”.

There is a part of me that wishes that women found me desirable, my wife talks about the guys that flirt with her and a part of me wishes that these types of things happened to me.

More than anything though I wish sometimes that my wife found me downright sexy, sexiness equals danger and I’ve always kind of wanted to be thought of as dangerous.

I kind of want to be all of the bad guys that the woman always seem to want. Then I realized something

Corrie’s not with any of the bad guys, she’s with me.

My desire to be wanted, to be seen as dangerous, to be hot, that’s sin. It comes from a demand that no one here on earth can fill.

It comes from a demand of significance. I want to be significant, I want to be remembered, desired, sought after, In a way I am no different than many other people. We all wish to be significant in the eyes of those that are around us. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting this but when it becomes a demand, as it has with me, it becomes sin.

The reason it has become a demand in me is because I don’t feel like I am capable of being any of these things. I’m just me, messed up, broken me. I’m the guy who gains weight too easily, who has a weird lazy eye and crooked feet, who walks with a weird shuffle and has hair sticking up. I’m the messed up dude that gets stains on his shirts from eating and the crooked beard.

But beyond all of this on the outside, the stuff that I see in the mirror that makes me shudder, what I have been working on, where God has been leading me to, is to realize that I am significant, I am important. I’m his kid, his prince, a member of his royal priesthood. I’m significant enough that he sent Jesus to earth to die for me. Significant enough that he gave me a wife to love and take care of, and who would love and take care of me. He has given me a chance to share a love that doesn’t hold it’s values the same way the world does. I don’t have to be ‘hot’ I should be kind, loving, generous, gentle, peaceful and if I give that to Corrie then she will be good to give it all back to me.

So later that night as I teased my wife a bit for telling me I wasn’t hot she explained herself better. She thinks that the idea of someone being hot is a very one dimensional way of describing someone, it’s shallow and simplistic. She doesn’t see me in that way, what she see’s in me is more.

So I’m not hot, we can put that to rest. I am a beautifully awkward peaceful broken prince. I think I can live with that.

 

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