I got that….

There’s this thing that happens when you go out with folks, especially when they know that you’re struggling financially, that moment when the bill comes and instead of splitting the bill they tell you that they’re going to just take care of the whole thing. This has been happening a lot lately in my life and it drives me nuts.

“Oh I got it.”

There’s something that’s in me that see’s that this is not just someone being nice, this is something deeper. It’s a sense of pity it makes me feel pathetic, it’s another example of how I am not capable of even paying for my own check when I go out with someone.

I’ve always wanted to be the guy that was able to treat others, not be treated.

Of course it’s bad enough when it happens in a restaurant but it happens in even worse situations too. My Father is buying a car for me. He is totally financing it himself, I am not even on the title. He is going to take care of the payments and everything. I understand why he is doing it, he loves me and cares for me and I am forever grateful for it. I do need a new car my Jeep has been on it’s last legs for awhile now. But still there is a voice that is buried deep that speaks words of shame to me about this.

It’s the same voice that speaks to me every time I think too much about our current living situation. For those that are reading this and don’t know my wife and I live with my parents. We have done so for over 5 years. As grateful as I am for how they have treated us there is a ton of shame and that voice speaks to all of it.

I wonder what the neighbors think, I wonder if they take pity on my folks, I wonder the same about the family that lives here in Tucson. I am aware of some of the conversations that have taken place because my mother has made me aware of them and I wonder just how deep that goes.

When I was a kid I was called a retard by other kids. My parents and I were both told by teachers and other adults that I probably would not amount to much. So I have lived with that ever since. I even believed I really was retarded until my mom told me that what I actually was was autistic. It didn’t help much.

What I long for, what I desire is to be a man among men. I want to be seen as the guy others look to to take care of things. I want to be the generous one, who buys things for other people. I’d really like to not only pay back every cent that my parents have ever given me but I’d like to give them more. I’d like to buy their house so they could live out the rest of their days free of financial worry.

When my friends need a helping hand I wanna be the one who can give it to them. I want to give generously to my church, to people who are hurting. When people come to visit I wanna be the guy picking up the check.

I wish I could end this post with a revelation I have received from God, with some sort of anecdote full of wisdom that you could take away from this but this is where I am right now in life. This is where I am sitting. This is the thing that is causing so much pain. Is it tied up in pride? You bet your life it is. Is that wrong? It probably is. It’s really easy though for others who don’t see themselves having to live in the same place tell me that I should just be grateful. I don’t see many folks if any my age living at home. It’s a bitter pill to swallow when someone who is better off than you are tells you that you should be thankful for what you have. I’d be glad to switch them places and see how much better they would do in my shoes.

The one thing I guess I am trying to remember is that I am NOT who those kids said I was many years ago. I am not retarded, and contrary to what teachers and DR’s might have told us I am capable of a lot more than they ever gave me credit for. I will hold onto those truths. I just hope someday God will allow me to be better off financially. Someday I can be independent. There is nothing worse than the worlds pity to make you feel less than human.