Why did I delete my blog?

Delete key on PC keyboard

Delete key on PC keyboard (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It came on me like a tidal wave, like a tsunami crashing over my broken body and pulling me beneath  the undertow. The worst emotional crash in years. I felt out of control, out of my mind.

The night before my band was playing a live set on a local radio station. It was magic, it was so much fun. Me and my friends sharing the songs we had spent so much time constructing. There was something in the air, I wanted to cage it and hold it close to me for the rest of my life. I never wanted to feel anything else.

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, ‘come down now,’ they’ll say

The coming down, the waking up from a magnificent dream can be a scary sensation. The realization of being nothing but myself at the end of the day can be a bitter pill. The same me that they called a retard so many years ago on the playground. The same me that can’t overcome the past. The same me that can’t save my wife from the crushing depression that sometimes grips her.

The coming down, the waking up….

The knowing that nothing I do changes our life. The understanding of just how dependent I am, on others. Because I can’t solve my problems. I can’t make the pain go away. I can’t give her children. I can’t take away the pain from my friends. I can’t hear God‘s voice, don’t think I’d recognize it if I could

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.

Somewhere in that night I realized that being seen by people wasn’t good. It wasn’t good for me it wasn’t good for anyone. I realized that I had spent the last 2 and a half years wrestling with faith and all I had to show for it was a limp. I feared that my depression, my brokenness was hurting those I was trying to help.

I decided in that single moment, that late night moment of absolute sorrow that I needed to erase my words. I needed to delete every trace of my struggle. I’ve been blogging for over 10 years but in that moment I realized that nothing I had ever said had any significance at all.

I am nothing

I am no one

Deleting a blog is not an easy process. There is a built in shame about it as WordPress warns you time and again that the words you delete will never be recovered. You have to check boxes and press buttons. Even then it’s not over, they send you an email making sure you really understand what the hell it is you’re doing. that you are really sure you want to erase the work you’ve been doing for almost 3 years.

I did

and I was

Those moments in life are important. They are painful¬† but they are important. Those are the moments that God meets you. In the midst of your suffering, in the throes of your pain, that’s when you see God more clearly than you ever could if you were blessed with a good life.

It’s the finding out how weak you are, the understanding how messed up you are that you see grace and feel it. That’s when you see the blessings that you may have neglected before. It’s really hard because I want to be a lion, I want to be strong and smart and capable and compelling….

But I’m not called to be those things. I am called to be an example of love and grace, I am called to show that even someone as messed up as me can be cared for, can be loved by God. I am called to love and care for other hurting people. I am called to share the goodness of God that has been shared with me. I am called to boast in my weakness because it’s when we do that that Christ’s strength is beautifully displayed,

I am nothing

I am no one

But…. I am loved.

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