Someday Sunday

This life’s not getting worse

but it’s certainly no better

It is what it is,. Small moments of happiness and blessing in a world infected by sin

Broken

Marveled by the rate of decay some of us try to outrun it

While others pretend it’s not there

We distract ourselves with tasks and stuff

All of which rust before our very eyes

while we ourselves fall apart

I don’t trust the plan but I trust the one who made the plan

and that is enough for me, it HAS to be enough for if he is wrong and he didn’t raise from the dead than we are worse than bastards, It’s not that we don’t know who our father is we don’t have one

So we strive and toil in a home not our own looking for small moments of happiness and blessing in a world infected by sin

Last night we sat in a room and prayer for someone that most of us didn’t know because worst case scenarios sometimes do happen.

We huddled together and wept and spoke words to a God we know is there and whom we trust with our lives because he has told us that he has a plan

but I don’t trust the plan, but I trust the one who made the plan

The plan includes moments of agony and suffering. The plan has no provision for worst case scenarios, The plan promises that in this wold we WILL have trouble, so we strive and toil in a home not our own looking for small moments of happiness and blessing in a world infected with sin.

The one who made the plan has already defeated every worst case scenario imagined. I don’t need to trust the plan because I have a father who has gone before me and understands suffering better than I ever could. I have a father who has grieved more than I ever will, I have a father who will provide more than I will ever need.

This world is no worse or better

But He has overcome the world and someday, Sunday, I too will overcome

 

 

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Why did I delete my blog?

Delete key on PC keyboard

Delete key on PC keyboard (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It came on me like a tidal wave, like a tsunami crashing over my broken body and pulling me beneath  the undertow. The worst emotional crash in years. I felt out of control, out of my mind.

The night before my band was playing a live set on a local radio station. It was magic, it was so much fun. Me and my friends sharing the songs we had spent so much time constructing. There was something in the air, I wanted to cage it and hold it close to me for the rest of my life. I never wanted to feel anything else.

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, ‘come down now,’ they’ll say

The coming down, the waking up from a magnificent dream can be a scary sensation. The realization of being nothing but myself at the end of the day can be a bitter pill. The same me that they called a retard so many years ago on the playground. The same me that can’t overcome the past. The same me that can’t save my wife from the crushing depression that sometimes grips her.

The coming down, the waking up….

The knowing that nothing I do changes our life. The understanding of just how dependent I am, on others. Because I can’t solve my problems. I can’t make the pain go away. I can’t give her children. I can’t take away the pain from my friends. I can’t hear God‘s voice, don’t think I’d recognize it if I could

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.

Somewhere in that night I realized that being seen by people wasn’t good. It wasn’t good for me it wasn’t good for anyone. I realized that I had spent the last 2 and a half years wrestling with faith and all I had to show for it was a limp. I feared that my depression, my brokenness was hurting those I was trying to help.

I decided in that single moment, that late night moment of absolute sorrow that I needed to erase my words. I needed to delete every trace of my struggle. I’ve been blogging for over 10 years but in that moment I realized that nothing I had ever said had any significance at all.

I am nothing

I am no one

Deleting a blog is not an easy process. There is a built in shame about it as WordPress warns you time and again that the words you delete will never be recovered. You have to check boxes and press buttons. Even then it’s not over, they send you an email making sure you really understand what the hell it is you’re doing. that you are really sure you want to erase the work you’ve been doing for almost 3 years.

I did

and I was

Those moments in life are important. They are painful¬† but they are important. Those are the moments that God meets you. In the midst of your suffering, in the throes of your pain, that’s when you see God more clearly than you ever could if you were blessed with a good life.

It’s the finding out how weak you are, the understanding how messed up you are that you see grace and feel it. That’s when you see the blessings that you may have neglected before. It’s really hard because I want to be a lion, I want to be strong and smart and capable and compelling….

But I’m not called to be those things. I am called to be an example of love and grace, I am called to show that even someone as messed up as me can be cared for, can be loved by God. I am called to love and care for other hurting people. I am called to share the goodness of God that has been shared with me. I am called to boast in my weakness because it’s when we do that that Christ’s strength is beautifully displayed,

I am nothing

I am no one

But…. I am loved.